Damian, a board member and a former client of mine, called to ask for help. He had recommended a great person to the marketing department, but she handed in her notice after just three months. It was yet another sudden departure from the department, and results kept falling. The board suspected quiet quitting – employees withdrawing their engagement.
We agreed that for three months I would join the team as a “new” person and investigate the situation from the inside. At first glance everything looked fine, but after just a few days warning signs began to appear…
After one meeting, Marta, an experienced specialist, ran out of the conference room in tears. It turned out that her campaign ideas had been presented as “Mateusz’s success” – Mateusz being the head of the department. He commented dismissively: “Marta will just type it all into Facebook”.
“How long has this been going on?” – I asked Marta.
“For a year. At first we thought Mateusz was a great leader – charismatic, motivating. But he changed quickly. He takes credit for all the successes and always finds a scapegoat for the mistakes.”
Antek from the performance marketing team confirmed it:
“At first he walked around the office, gave feedback, was available. Now he’s hard to catch. If he talks to us at all, it’s only to say we’ve let him down. People are leaving because they’ve had enough.”
During a meeting with Mateusz I tried to provoke him.
“I’m worried about the conference. I’ve heard people are leaving. Will the team cope?” – I asked.
“They left because they found better offers” – he replied calmly. “They weren’t as competent as they seemed. Those who stayed will manage. You and I – we’ll run it together.” I sat there astonished.
“By the way, please prepare a list of proposed attractions for the conference by Thursday; there’s a meeting with the board on Friday.” – said Mateusz.
“Fine, I’ll be happy to present it – I already have most of it” – I replied.
“Send it to me. That meeting is for top managers only; in the meantime, focus on the subcontractors.”
When Mateusz left, I had a clear picture of the situation. The problem wasn’t a lack of engagement in the team but the management style. Mateusz was a typical leader with narcissistic traits: charismatic, focused on his own image, but completely lacking the ability to cooperate and share credit.
In my report for the board I pointed out that the problem was the management style, not the team’s competence. Mateusz did not accept the feedback, even though Damian carried out a 360-degree assessment; he took offence when coaching was suggested, and was eventually dismissed. His successor, although she had less technical knowledge, rebuilt the team thanks to a development-oriented approach. Several people came back, others stayed, and the atmosphere gradually improved.
A narcissist in a leadership position may at first seem the ideal candidate – charismatic, bold, with a vision. But in the long run their management style destroys teams from within, weakens morale and increases turnover. Organisations must be aware of this risk and watch carefully for warning signs.
A narcissist at work? What to do?
Distance yourself emotionally.
Be aware of what this person is doing and look at them like an animal in a zoo. Don’t get drawn into emotional games. A narcissist often manipulates to provoke guilt or a need for recognition. Stick to the facts and avoid excessive emotion in communication.
Set boundaries and defend them
Define your responsibilities clearly and don’t let the narcissist impose excessive expectations on you. Learn to say no assertively when a situation exceeds your capacity. Use “I” and “you” statements and questions.
Document your actions, keep evidence of your work, or keep a work diary
Taking credit for other people’s work is a common narcissist tactic. Keep records of key agreements and successes – emails, meeting notes – so that you have proof of your contribution to projects.
Don’t seek recognition from a narcissist – they will bend over backwards to find your mistake.
Narcissists rarely appreciate other people’s work. Instead of expecting praise, focus on your own development and job satisfaction.
Look for support and don’t go through it alone
Talk to colleagues or managers you trust. In difficult situations it is also worth turning to HR or getting help from a coach or therapist.
A narcissist boss of all narcissists? Run? Or fight?
Find a way to manage their expectations
Narcissists love being the centre of attention. Regular reporting and presenting results can help soothe their constant need for control.
Give feedback carefully
A narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism. If you have to pass on difficult information, do it tactfully – focus on solutions rather than mistakes.
Don’t get drawn into political games
Narcissists often divide the team into “insiders” and “outsiders”. Try to stay neutral and don’t get involved in their manipulative strategies.
Look after yourself in this arrangement
Working with a narcissistic leader can be exhausting. Remember to rest regularly and take care of your boundaries and priorities.
Consider other options – or don’t just consider them, make the brave decision: look for a new job.
If the narcissist is effectively destroying your mental health and you have no support in the organisation, consider changing jobs. Sometimes the best solution is to free yourself from a toxic environment.
